The Genesee Reflection #12

What do you look like through the eyes of others?  When others see you or think about you do they say or think about you?  I believe we were all created in the image of God but sometimes along the way we, through life's circumstances, sometimes view others as if that image has been tainted.  Is it true that we can look at other human beings and somehow convince ourselves that they have stooped to the level of being subhuman?  We tend to be judgmental towards others based on appearances, attitudes, or even things that they have done in the past.

During his time in the Genesee Monastery, Henri Nouwen read tons of books.  One book that he read was called "St. Francis of Assisi" by Gilbert Chesterton.  Quoting Chesterton about Francis' compassion...on October 6th Nouwen writes:

"To him a man stays always a man and does not disappear in a dense crowd any more than in a desert.  He honored all men; that is, he not only loved but respected them all.  What gave him extraordinary personal power was this:  that from the Pope to the beggar, from the sultan of Syria in his pavilion to the ragged robbers crawling out of the wood, there was never a man who looked into those brown burning eyes without being certain Francis Bernardone was really interested in him, in his own inner individual life from cradle to grave; that he himself was begin valued and taken seriously and not merely added to the spoil of some social policy or the names of some clerical document...He treated the whole mob of men as a mob of kings."

My niece Saige has some really good things to say that go great with how St. Francis treated people.  You can watch her video by clicking here or I hope to embed it here on this blog soon.





Do you treat everyone like royalty?  Or do you treat some people like they are subhuman?

The Genesee Reflection #11

Tormented, anxious, guilt-ridden, restless, hurried, and impatient.  These are some of the words that could have described my state of mind over the past couple of years.  I would guess that I have hidden these feelings pretty well (or maybe not).  It appears that I haven't quite hid them from God.  In fact, I've never seen a list of them all together until just now as I was reading from August 19th, 1974 from Henri Noewin's "The Genesee Diary".  He writes:

"Today I had the strong feeling that things are basically quite simple.  If I could love God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind, I would feel a great inner freedom, great enough to embrace all that exists, great enough also to prevent little events from making me lose heart...When my heart is undivided, my mind only concerned about God, my soul full of his love, everything comes together into one perspective and nothing remains excluded...For the first time I sensed a real single-mindedness; my mind seemed to expand and to be able to receive endlessly more than when I feel divided and confused.  When all attention is on him who is my Creator, my Redeemer, and my Sanctifier, I can see all human life-joyful as well as painful-and all of creation united in his love.  Then I even wonder why I was so tormented and anxious, so guilt-ridden and restless, so hurried and impatient.  All these pains seemed false pains, resulting from not seeing, not hearing, and not understanding."

Divided and confused...these are typically the feelings that I have that precede the above list.  There are days when these 8 little words can hold me in bondage.  The truth is that the freedom from these chains is quite simple.  If I could love God will all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind, I would feel a great inner freedom...If I could become single-minded with my Creator, my Redeemer, and my Sanctifier...

““He himself bore our(My) sins” in his body on the cross, so that we(I) might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you(I) have been healed.”” 1 Peter 2:24 NIV

I pray that God would help me to see, hear, and understand...

The Genesee Reflection #10

The greatest concern that I now have is what my life and schedule will look like on my return from my sabbatical. I want somehow to take the silence and solitude that I will learn and bring those into a deeper connection with my current and future spiritual life. I don't want to return the same. On Tuesday, August 17th, 1974, Henri Nouwen writes:

 "How can I really develop a deep prayer life when I am back again at my busy work? I have the tendency to finish small and large jobs as soon as possible, and as long as I remain surrounded by unfinished tasks, my prayer is nearly impossible since I use the time for prayer to wonder about the many things I still have to do. It always seems that there is something more urgent and more important than prayer."

If I am going to be honest heading into my Sabbatical...I need to know where I am spiritually in order to know where I want to be spiritually. I need to know the depth of my relationship with the Father currently if I want to take some steps to deepen the relationship. I can honestly say that my prayer life needs an overhaul. I am typically thinking about tasks in my prayers and not focusing on the One who holds the power to accomplish those tasks. I am often focused on my to-do list and not on God's to-do list. I often cannot even quiet my mind enough to listen to what God would have me hear. John Eudes who was the head of the Genesee Monastery gives the wisest advice on prayer that I have ever heard. I'm not going to share it here...just in case there are a few readers out there who want to read the book.

The Genesee Reflection #9

What does the typical day look like for a youth pastor?  Well, I am not sure I can answer that fully.  I have tried very hard to have a system in place.  Monday-Thursday I typically start the days exactly the same...Get the office, make or drink coffee (based on if Neil has beat me to it or not), check my email, respond to emails, check in on my students through Facebook, comment on students' stuff, read something, and blog about something.  On Mondays, I try to evaluate Sunday's events, twice/month there is a staff meeting, I begin looking towards Wed. nights, I answer emails that were sent on Friday-Sunday, I input attendance numbers and offering numbers to make sure we aren't having a crises.  On Tuesdays, I begin to mold the Worship slides/videos into shape, study for my lesson and begin putting it into a powerpoint presentation, this is also when I typically print out worship music for the CYM worship band.  On Wednesdays, I wrap up everything from lessons to music to videos, I typically create the small group study and questions on Wednesdays after I've had a day to think about the lesson, I typically try to watch/listen to something inspiring, then I go pick up students starting around 4:45, get back to the church around 5:45, hang out with students until we start SURGE around 6:30, take students home after SURGE and get home around 9.  On Thursdays, I reflect on the Wed., input attendance numbers making sure that we aren't having a crises, before digging into the Sunday AM Voltage lesson.  This is also when I try to get a sneak peak at what the next Wed. night will entail.

From Friday, August 30th, 1974 Nouwen writes:

    "This was one of those days that pass with many distractions and few real events.  I washed raisins for more than four hours without even finishing the whole job, received a lot of mail that needed immediate attention, talked for a few hours with one of the guests who asked for some help in his life.  Finally, I read that depressing weekly, U.S. News and World Report, which is obviously written for businessmen and not monks.
  In fact, this was a "typical" day when I think about my life before I came here.  Busy, active, talkative, but very superficial and without much concentration on anything.  It seems good to avoid more of such 'typical days'."

I have been struggling of late because my work days are seldom typical.  The listing above along with  students' games, plays, concerts, contests, and matches are the ideal days for me.  However as Easter approaches along with my Sabbatical and General Assembly, my days are being led into other distractions. My weeks have not looked like the above week for about a month and we will wrap this month up with much of the non-typicallness pace that I've been on.  But when it is all said and done...I do ponder how most of my days pass without any "real events" but seem to have plenty of distractions.

The Genesee Reflection #8

One of the memories that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the last time that I was disobedient to my dad.  It was a beautiful day and for circumstances that I cannot remember I was grounded.  I had to have been 12 or 13 and my world was outside of my house.  There was an entire neighborhood around me that I was usually free to explore.  Friends around me that I was usually free to go play ball with or ride bikes around the block with.  This day, there was no freedom.  I remember getting into an argument with my dad...again, I have no recollection of what the issue was...and then he said the magic words..."Jon, you are grounded.  You don't even want to know what will happen if you step one foot off our property."

That was all it took.  I walked out the front door...waited until my dad was watching...and then I did it...I placed one foot into the street.

The moments that followed are a bit of a blur...my dad moving faster than I ever remember him moving...grabbing me...dragging me back into the house...a few swats on the rump followed...and then I don't recall what happened after that...


Henri Nouwen writes on Monday, August 26th, 1974:

"Talked with John Eudes about obedience.  I said, 'I don't think I ever could become a monk because of my problem with obedience.  If you or anyone else told me to go collect stones every day while I was deeply convinced that I should write, read, study, or whatever, I would not be able to take it and would become so restless and hostile that I would leave sooner or later.'"

Jesus once said, "Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching.  My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.  Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching.  These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me."


What happens when God has called you to a ministry that is hard, difficult, discouraging, draining, confusing, chaotic, and unrelenting?  Do you continue to obey the calling He has placed on your life?  Or do you see what would/could happen if you took one step outside of the calling?  Perhaps God is calling you to step into a new ministry.  Do you dare leave the comfort of your ministry that is beautiful, challenging, productive, invigorating, friendly, calm, and safe?

Nouwen continues:

"If I were able to trust more, to open myself more easily, to be more vulnerable, then obedience would not be so hard.  I would be able to disagree without fear of rejection (BTW one of my biggest issues), to protest without resentment (BTW another issue I have), to express different viewpoints without self-righteousness (no problem here! LOL), and to say after all arguments:  'If I am still asked to do something I do not like to do, perhaps I must be open to the idea of God's preparing me for something greater and more important than I can imagine.'"

The Genesee Reflection #7

As a pastor sometimes people think that I have the extraordinary ability of self-control.  I will say that for the most part I believe I have.  I refrain from all the things that "look" like sin.  However, there are days/weeks/months/years where I really struggle with controlling myself in other areas that don't exactly "look" like sin.  One of the areas that I have tried conquering for years is my fascination with food.   I do love to eat.  But I only love to eat the stuff that isn't good for me.  Cheeseburgers, pizza, fried chicken, tacos, and barbecue are among my favorites.  It would be one thing if I had the "self-control" to just eat in moderate portions but I don't.

On Monday, August 19th, 1974, Henri Nouwem writes:

The news in the New York Times, the letters from India posted on the bulletin board and the increasing requests for money, food, and clothes give me more and more feeling that I belong to the happy few allowed into the Ark of Noah.  The comparison does not work too well with all these celibates, but I keep thinking about sitting on the top of the mountain while the world around me is washed away.  While we have a very abundant wheat crop, the papers speak about floods in India washing away whole crops and about droughts in North Africa and parts of the U.S.A. creating endless misery there and inflation here.  While we have healthy, strong-looking men here, the pictures show emaciated people floating nowhere on self-made rafts.  While we have peace and an atmosphere of trust here, in Cyprus, Greece, Chile, Brazil, the Middle East, South Korea, etc. hostilities break out everyday.  Still I often feel homesick for the world with its pains and problems.

How is it that I can consume so much when nearly 26,000 children under the age of 5 die every day mostly because of lack of clean water and food?  Why is it that it only takes $36 per month to save the life of one of those children (this includes food, shelter, water, medicine, and school) but it costs several hundred dollars per month to satisfy my personal hunger?  My father-in-law once told me something very wise that his dad had told him...He said that "A man should eat to live...not live to eat."  Why is this so hard?  After a lunch of either pizza or cheeseburgers with my wife today:)...I believe for remainder of the month of April I will try to eat half of what I would normally and send the extra money saved to Compassion International.

My King once said, "Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

and

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance , the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink..."

The Genesee Reflection #6

One of the interests that Henri Nouwen picked up in the monastery was listening to the sounds of birds.  So on Tuesday, August 13th, 1974 Nouwen writes:

    "This morning Father John explained to me that the killdeer is a bird that fools you by simulating injury to pull your attention away from her eggs which she lays openly on a sandy place.  Beautiful Neurosis as weapon!  How often I have asked pity for a very unreal problem in order to pull people's attention away from what I didn't want them to see."

I believe the work of a pastor often figuratively "lays openly on a sandy place."  Our work is often displayed for all to see.  We love to show off the work of our nest as long as it is full or growing.  There are times when pastors use excuses to draw one's attention away from the nest.  What happens when a church/youth group stops growing?  What happens when there are fewer and fewer people meeting together?  What happens when addition is by transfer instead of conversion?  What happens when it appears that souls are no longer being saved?  What happens when you feel as though you are only discipling believers?  What happens when it appears you are no longer connecting the Gospel to the unbelievers?

I like to use the excuse of poor finances...that is a good distracter.  I also like to use the excuse of not enough volunteers...that is a good distracter.  I like to use the excuse that I may be a bit old to connect with students...that is a good distracter.

In his book, "Surprising Insights from the Unchurched", Thom S. Rainer talks about the reasoning behind getting unchurched folks in the door of the church and keeping them there.  It is true that a family member has the greatest influence in getting their unchurched family in the doors.  But it is also true that 90% of those unchurched folks who went from being unchurched to churched that were polled stated that the pastor/preaching was critical in their choice to join the church.  So when I interpret this in youth ministry I believe that 90% of those students who do stay, will stay because of what I do or do not do.  It has been engraved in my brain by John Maxwell that everything rises and falls on leadership.  We don't have any problem getting students in the doors for their first time...We do however have issues with students wanting to return...(don't look in my nest right now)...

I am not saying it is me...we just don't have the finances to keep up...

The Genesee Reflection #5

Friday, July 26th, 1974

     "Often a thought led to a prayer and a prayer to a letter and a letter to a real feeling of peace and warmth.  A few times, after having dropped a small pile of letters in the mailbox, I had a deep sense of joy, or reconciliation, of friendship.  When I was able to express gratitude to those who had given much, sorrow to those whom I had offended, recognition to those I had forgotten, or sympathy to those who are in grief, my heart seemed to grow and a weight fell from me.  These letters seemed to restore the part of me wounded by past resentment and take away the obstacles that prevented me from bringing my history into my present prayer.
     But there also is another side.  Perhaps part of my letter writing shows that I do not want to be forgotten here, that I hope that there still are people 'out there' who think of me..."


I do not write many letters.  I do however, type a ton of emails.  This is the avenue that is my preferred method to communicate with, educate, train, encourage, motivate, and thank those who are nearest to me and the ministry God has called me to.  Email is instant...in Nouwen's day, letters were not so much.  I often wonder what happens to the emails I send.  Do those I care deeply about in my ministry actually take the time to read them?  My beautiful bride is usually the first (and most of the time only) one to respond to some of my most meaningful, thought out, heart felt emails that, at times, will go to ten to fifteen people.  Sometimes I wonder if the content of those emails were so terrible or daunting that they weren't even worth a reply to.  Is there a better way to consistently communicate with, educate, train, encourage, motivate, and thank those who are nearest to me in the ministry God has called me to?

Nouwen continues...

    "Meanwhile, it remains remarkable how little is said and written about letter writing as an important form of ministry.  A good letter can change the day for someone in pain, can chase away feelings of resentment, can create a smile and bring joy to the heart.  After all, a good part of the New Testament consists of letters, and some of the most profound insights are written down in letters between people who are attracted to each other by a deep personal affection.  Letter writing is a very important art, especially for those who want to bring the good news."

The Genesee Reflection #4

Yesterday, I talked about how I always wanted to be different...to be special.  I also mentioned that I always wanted to be faster, stronger, wiser, smarter.  Well to be honest, I was never tops in any of these categories and that is the case even today.  In elementary school, I was one of the top 5 picked to play kickball, but never the first.  I was smart enough to be tested for the "Wings" program (I don't remember what it was called back in the day), but I wasn't smart enough to pass the test.  I had an older/bigger brother who was always faster and stronger than me.  When I transitioned into Jr. High, all the other boys grew up...(I did not until my sophomore year in High School if you know what I mean).  I was almost always the smallest and slowest in High School.  So even though I strived to be faster, stronger, wiser, smarter...well, I seldom reached the heights of others.  Which brings us to the Genesee Reflection for today.  From Sunday, July 28th, 1974, Henri Nouwen writes:

"What do you do when you are always comparing yourself with other people?  What do you do when you always feel that the people you talk to, hear of, or read about are more intelligent, more skillful, more attractive, more gentle, more generous, more practical, or more contemplative than you are?  What do you do when you can't get away from measuring yourself against others, always feeling that they are the real people while you are a nobody or even less than that?"

One line from a recent Jeff Manion sermon keeps scrolling through my head...he says, "What if what makes us great is not one single act of greatness?  What if greatness is doing a bunch of good things over and over and over again?"  He goes on to talk about how people sometimes give up on doing good things because they are waiting for that one really great thing to come along.  What if I was designed to be good...not great?  Could I live with that?  Well I have been, and I believe I will continue to do good things over and over and over again until God calls me to do something else.  But, is my good...good enough?

The Genesee Reflection #3

"I have always had the strange desire to be different than other people.  I probably do not differ in this desire from other people.  Thinking about this desire and how it has functioned in my life, I am more and more aware of the way my life-style became part of our contemporary desire for 'stardom.'  I wanted to say, write or do something 'different' or 'special' that would be noticed and talked about."

On Saturday, July 13th, 1974, Henri Nouwen wrote these words.  On Thursday, March 15th, 2012, I read these words and realized he could have written these words about me.  I have never wanted to be status quo...Even from my earliest memories I wanted to be faster, stronger, wiser, and smarter.

I remember when I was around 6 or 7 years old, my family was in our backyard playing baseball.  My dad always had a huge maroon glove that he got when he played softball in a church league.  Some how, (I can't  remember if we were playing catch or if he was pitching to my brother) I was on the opposite end of our fenced in backyard when the ball rolled to me.  I picked it up, locked my focus on the huge maroon glove, and fired...It went exactly to the place my dad held the glove.  He didn't have to move it an inch.  I still remember the reaction by my parents.  They were in amazement.  There were smiles on their faces.  They verbally told me how amazing that was and that I had a really special ability.  I was different.

I know this reaction affected me greatly in a positive way...However, it seems that ever since, no matter what I do, I strive for this same reaction from everyone after everything I do.  If I don't get this type of reaction then I feel what I did was just merely average...normal...not worth a response.  Getting praised is addicting.  Living for the glory of God instead of the glory of people is very difficult for me.  I know I am special and unique in God's eyes...I also know that a life must live to completion before the chance of hearing from Him, "Well done, good and faithful servant".  Sometimes the wait is brutal...

The Genesee Reflection #2

On page 84 Henri Nouwen talks about his realization of "how limited, imperfect, and weak my understanding of love has been."

Then he goes on to quote 1st Corinthians 13:4-5 "But love is 'always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful.'"

This has hit me like a ton of bricks...I too am realizing the weakness of how I implement and carry out love.  Sometimes when I read through Scripture I take inventory of my life.  When I hit some instructional verses I usually say in my head something like..."I've got that, I've got that, I need to work on that, I'm good on that, I've got that"...but in just these short verses about love...I can't truly say that I have control or a grasp on any of them.

I am often impatient, typically kind to everyone but there are occasions where I'm not so kind to my lovely wife, I can honestly say that somedays I am extremely jealous of people (like now I'm jealous of those folks who have this love thing figured out!), sometimes I boast...which often can lead to a conceited spirit, once again...I can be very rude and selfish towards my wife,  I've been taking offense lately at just about everything whether it is constructive criticism or complaints, Ok...I don't think I am currently resentful of anything...except what I just listed about my failure in the love department...

These again are some things that I hope to meditate on and pray through during my time away...

The Genesee Diary

In May and June of this year, I will be taking my first Sabbatical.  In preparation for my time away my friend Neil hooked me up with a really cool book.  It is called The Genesee Diary by Henri J.M. Nouwen. It is written about a time in 1974 when the author who was a Catholic Priest and Professor, decided to "enlist" at a Trappist monastery for seven months.  During this time, Henri Nouwen journalized his thoughts daily and then later compiled them into this book.  So far, I feel like some of the issues that he struggled with are some of the exact issues that I am dealing with.  For instance, one paragraph from the introduction states:

When I took a closer look at this I realized that I was caught in a web of strange paradoxes.  While complaining about too many demands, I felt uneasy when none were made.  While speaking about the burden of letter writing, an empty mailbox made me sad.  While fretting about tiring lecture tours, I felt disappointed when there were no invitations.  While speaking nostalgically about an empty desk, I feared the day on which that would come true.  In short:  while desiring to be alone, I was frightened of being left alone.  The more I became aware of these paradoxes, the more I started to see how much I had indeed fallen in love with my own compulsions and illusions, and how much I needed to step back and wonder, "Is there a quiet stream underneath the fluctuating affirmations and rejections of my little world?  Is there a still point where my life is anchored and from which I can reach out with hope and courage and confidence?"


PreSabbatical Lesson 1: On my Sabbatical, I'll be looking for that quiet stream where I can spend uninterrupted time with my Creator and it is possible that during this time, the Creator, will bring a renewal of hope, courage, and confidence.